Forgetting you

I've written a poem after very long. Comments would be appreciated. :)

I look up to see the stars shine back

Upon me, and I wish,

That one day you would see

What you mean to me,

And how I’d been what you wanted me to be.

I let you mould me and look what you made me,

Something so ugly, to be destroyed

Into a million pieces,

So that it is never found again.

So here I am, fading away,

Slowly, so that you never see me,

Slipping away into the shadows of the night

Unable to face the ogre in me.

You were what made me become this monster

And you are the reason that I kill it today,

For you were never pleased with me

However hard I made you desire what had

Come to become of me.

A memory slowly slips away,

Suddenly I can’t remember your eyes,

Or how it felt to be in your arms

Or lay beside you in bed at night,

To be a part of you

And make you a part of me,

Perhaps you didn’t deserve the chance

To know what I could really be.

A new start

Sometimes, things end up being such a mess and sometimes things just seem fine, just the way they are. Recently, I've had this floating feeling of contentment, like everything's going right and to be honest, it is. I like being able to look in the mirror and smile at myself. Except for my vital stats, of course, I practically love everything about myself. And I'm working on those vital stats.
Today, while studying FC, I spaced out for a bit and started thinking of university. Up until now, I was laidback about my studies, I was content being a part of Mumbai University, but now, I'm not. I want to go to a good, proper university. I want to live on campus, I want a new life, not because I'm dissatisfied with my present one, but because I love change. I want to go to fun parties, I want to write term papers on my own, I want my own little part of a room and put up pictures of people I love there. I want to explore new places, make new friends, and yet, I won't forget my friends and people here.
So I'm going to apply for fall next year. I'm determined to make it and my parents are supporting me. What more do I need?

Kaleidoscope

This amazing event definitely deserves an entire blog post dedicated to it and so, here we go.
I just spent the most amazing week of my life- taking responsibilities I've never taken, walking roads I've never walked, singing songs I've never sung, making friends with people I never knew, getting shouted for my shortcomings, getting applauded for my work. When I left my previous school, I never believed that life could ever be as fun as DAIS, but this one week changed my perspective completely!
The amount of gusto and energy, the love for the festival, nurturing it like our own little child, I learned the power of teams.
Here's to the best ECs and workforce one could ever imagine having. I love you guys, each and every one of ya'll.
<3

I won't worry my life away (:

If you stand still at 5 pm in the midst of CST, a melange of assorted faces, colours and smells descends upon you like an avalanche, a little wonderful and a lot more intimidating. It's like one of those hindi films where you standstill in one place and the rest of the world is a blurry mess. And yet, you walk one step forward and you merge with the crowd and soon you are one of those faces, swept away by the masses, trying to fight out but finally you succumb, because simply, it's easy.
Everyone wants to be unique, I know I'm not the only one who wishes to be like that. But not fitting into a popular clique hurts, doesn't it? I want to stay in one place and lie down, under the stars and look for shapes in the clouds as they dance around the moon and stars. I want to stop and stare. I want to allow myself to be unique without hating myself for it.
And some day, when I know myself well enough, I will. And one day, I'll sing, "I won't worry my life away"

Life is a chaos till you stand still and look at the pieces fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle.
Till then, everything is a disjointed, fragmented distortion of what could be reality.
It's almost like looking at yourself in broken shards of glass - as pieces or as an individual.

Now that you're gone, all that is left is memories.

You've left. And I find it so hard to believe and accept. I don't know when I'll see you again or when we'll sleep over together again or when we'll go to Carter's and have yummy donuts and Gogola golas and shawarma again or when we'll obsessively take pictures on my laptop webcam again or when we'll dress and sing into hairbrushes again or when we'll stay up all night and make weird names for random people such as Anuwanupoochicoochie again or when we'll prance along the 5th floor corridor sing VIP underwear songs again or when we'll pass pointless notes to each other in French class again or when we'll coo over Rojoa again or when we'll bitch about incredibly ugly people in amazingly tiny clothes again or when we'll make strange codenames for people again or when we'll compulsively chew on blocks of ice again or when we'll get drunk (me) and dance in Goa's clubs again or when we'll get ourselves temporarily tattooed on the beaches of Goa again or when we'll eat crispy chicken with tartar sauce in the shacks again or when we'll laugh at stupid lolcats and FMLs again or when we'll sing "Time of your life" on karaoke again. I'm going to miss you Akanksha Aurora. I'm going to miss you and all the hundreds of memories we've had together. I promise to make a hundred new memories with you when you come back. I love you <3

With love to you, from me.

Sweeping gestures and flirty eyes

Just a guise to hide your lies,

Stolen kisses in the dusky night

Your touch lingers unto daylight,

Sweet nothings upon my impassioned ears

Sucking my soul and fuelling my fears,

I pray for you to stay with me

And through your unseeing eyes you see

What you’ve made of what we used to be

Revelling in the monstrosity of your every deed.

Like the slow drip of black onto a palette of white

Demolishing the innocence of that night,

Your body glimmered in the night, against mine

And each contour of your body was etched in my mind.

The magic was gone as you quickly retraced

My mind and body by you was defaced,

There was no emotion in your rhythmic thrusts

Just a rage which was full of lust,

Left alone on the threshold of your deceit

I forlornly watched you celebrate your feat.

The rain poured down upon my soul

But couldn’t cleanse this rotting hole,

It was left behind as a sign to see

What I allowed you to do to me.

The moonlight glimmered against my skin

And the waves drew up a sorrowful din,

Leaving behind your web of lies

I slowly bid your poisoned world goodbye.

Chaos

Everything races by so soon, it's difficult to keep track. Everything is trivialised due to the enormity of another situation.
It's all such a rush, things zoom in and out of perspective so fast that my head has become one crazy, bubbling, overflowing pot of random thoughts with no definite conclusion. As I write this, things flow in and out of my mind, unable to rest for while to allow me ruminate over the magnanimity of every situation which has hit me.
Broken hearts are such a cliche. Yet, the pain that stabs you is ineffable, inexplicable, unbearable. No matter how many hearts break every single day, the hurt that one experiences can never be something you get used to it.
The concept of new friends is so astonishing. When I was done with IB, it never struck me fully that this would indicate me going to an entirely new place, with entirely new people, and perhaps, have me start an entirely new life. Making friends has never been hard for me, nor has retaining them. However, despite the ease or the deftness at achieving any task, the fear that infiltrates you and floods every nerve in your body is something you can never rid yourself of. However, this college has been relatively easy on me, allowing me to make an ample amount of new friends who I actually truly love. And though I don't know much to talk about each of them, I'd just like to tell all of them - Romal, Anicca, Tejaswi, Natasha, Shruti, Shifa, Bhakti, Binita & Mallika - that they're really amazing and well, thank you for making the treacherous first two weeks of college so easy. I love you guys!
Somehow, there is only a select one person who I miss from DAIS - Sasha. I miss her, I miss our stupidity, I miss our French class chits, I miss getting excited around Kodkany with her, I miss taking pictures with her, I miss hugging her, I miss her stupid face, I miss meeting her everyday (thanks to our squeaky clean attendance), I miss cooing over Rojoa along with her, I miss stealing food from her and then complaining about her ability to be so thin, I miss bitching about everyone to her. And even though we talk ever so often, I still miss being with her all the time. I really do :(. If I could, I'd go back in time - all those 5 years - just for her. I love you, Sasha!

Strings

The sound of music
Enters my being
Enveloping me
Like an estranged lover,
Breathing life
Into my dying soul
Mesmerizing, Tantalizing,
Intoxicating the air I breathe.

Twirl,
Feel the rhythm,
Prance,
Feel the pulses,
Dance,
Let the music drown you.

Leave behind the world
Of lust, hatred and broken hearts,
Immerse yourself
Like a man in love,
Lose control of your being,
Merge into the music of your heart,
Listen to the sound of your music.

Could you rip me apart

And destroy the fragmented pieces

That remain?

Could you shatter my heart

And step upon

Those very pieces?

Could you batter my soul

And suck it dry

Of all life?

Yes, you could.

Yes, you would.

Fade Away

The moonlight rains upon my pain,

Testimony to the tears that

Pry themselves loose from my eyelids.

Slowly whispering, softly, gently,

Everything won’t be okay.

Could I drink your innocence?

Make myself pure,

Of hatred, of lust, of rage and envy.

Salvage me

From the shackles of time,

Of pain, of norms;

From me.

Your love smothers me,

Suffocates me, makes me want to leave.

And yet, I hold on.

Your touch awakens the pain

In my dying soul.

Could I be sane again,

Till my soul bleeds itself dry

Of all the pain?

Away away
Into the night
Stop me no more
For the deed is done.
A shooting star
Soon fading away
'Tis difficult to see
Me anymore.
No more am I
The splashes of pink
On a gray day.
No more am I
The face with a smile
In a sea of frowns.
I've changed
For good or bad,
Don't tell me what to be
For it is then no longer me.
Sleep sweet love
Into the night
But I no more gaze
At your sweet face.
I will not sing
Sweet lullabies
For things have changed.
I've changed
For I'm no more
What I used to be.

Goodbye

Tonight's probably going to be a night of tears and sadness and smiles and pictures and fun and dancing. But most of all, it's going to be full of memories. I know this takes cliches to a whole new level, but having spent the past 5 years here, in this school, letting go will not be easy. To make things worse, I don't know when I will see these people ever again. I mean, what with them getting placements all over the world, it feels so impossible to keep in touch. I just hope that the closest friends will remain. People like Jesika, Siddharth, Sasha, Ayush, Khushbu & Vyoma. People who have actually made a difference. Thank God for Facebook & Skype but I wish it weren't to end so soon.

I don't know what life's going to be like after school. Which place will I go to.. Who my new friends will be.. None of that stuff. And though that does seem to be the least of my worries right now, I wonder if they'll be anything like my present friends.

Goodbye's never seemed so hard. But then again when was goodbye easy. The last time I said goodbye in the 7th grade, I was curled up in my bed for 2 hours with my teddy bear blanket soaking wet by the end of it. Oh well, everyone needs to get on with life, as do I.. And all my friends. And even though I know they might not read this, goodbye & I love you guys for giving me the best 5 years of my life <3.

Ramble.

It's been a while since I woke up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. School's a bore. Even though we essentially have 7 days of school left. Everything's a drag. And I want to kill someone. Reasons for crap mood:
1. Weird guy/girl.
2. Bad throat (boo you smoke & beer)
3. Manslut.
4. Okay. There was a fourth reason but I can't remember.

I'm sleepy. Yes, I've already slept in the evening. No, that doesn't make me non-sleepy.

I want sheesha.

Okay bye.

Colours

Crushed glass lays on the floor. Shards of bangles, sharp yet beautiful. A shiny kaleidescope of dreams, colours and opportunities.
That is what life is. A big shiny kaleidescope of what was, what is and what will be. Something you look at from far and see it as a whole in its absolute perfection. Take a moment to look closer though, each piece has its own imperfections, like each of us. Like each perfect moment in life holds its imperfections. You can overlook the imperfection of each shard and paint a beautiful, perfect picture. Or you could scrutinize each detail and destroy the beauty of the moment.
Wishful thinking. Hope that each moment is flawless like the surface of a polished diamond. And yet, that perfection will rise from imperfection. Yet, we want life to be easy. To be colourful, to be simple. Then why complicate things? Introspection helps.
"Whoever said that the rain is gloomy has never danced in the rain"
There's always a rainbow at the end of the rain. Will you wait for the breath-taking array of colours to fill your sky whilst you sit, sullen, in the downpour? Or would you rather dance in the rain, hold someone's hand and seal your forever with a kiss? I would choose the latter.
I see those bangles, wooden bangles now - orange, brown, blue, yellow, black, green, pink - colours. Gracefully hiding behind my books; and yet I see them, in their full glory, as the light up the table, a bright array of beautiful colours. Slip them slowly onto your bare hand, clunk clunk, and somehow, they're so vibrant that you feel alive.
Life, like colours, isn't always bright. But there is still some colour at every stage of life. Perspectives change, black for me, is all the colours. Black for you might be darkness. When life hits its low, everything seems dark - black. A pessimist would see it as an endless pit of despair and no escape. I see it as black too - but because black is an amalgam of all colours and life can head into a myriad different directions. It's only a matter of choice. It's how you decide to see things.
Yes, I might sound like an indefatigable optimist at times but I'd rather see life in techno with a multitude of colours, sparkle and shine rather than in a claustrophobic reel of black and white tape.

May 2010

4th May, 2010. 63 days to go. 9 weeks. 2 months. Seems like a lot of time. Truth be told though, it just isn't. 2 months can never be equal to 2 years. And yet, I'm embarking on this mission to achieve what seems to be close to impossible. Dedication, perseverance, hard work, blah blah blah. These things run in my head all the time, it's absolute chaos in there, something that I cannot figure out after having lived for 17 years with myself.
IB grades have never been this important to me, not before today. Not before I saw my parents overlooking Basu's tirade of endless abuses and utterly demotivating crap, for the lack of a better word. Sometimes, I wish I could go to him and tell him how much I hate him. Tell him that how many ever times he tells me not to use the lift, I don't give a rat's ass about his fucking opinion. I don't give a fuck about what he thinks of me or my apparently "gloomy future" and he can just go and shove it. Personal vendetta is one thing, trying to ruin a student on the basis of a personal vendetta is the most immature and pathetic thing I have ever seen. Quite obviously I don't think very highly of Mr Abhimanyu Basu and the apparent authority he commands in school because truly, no one respects that man. The only reason we, as IB students, listen to him is because we fear him and hate him for his brutality. And thus, I pity that fat excuse for a man.
But here, I deviate. Getting back to May 2010, the following three months will be one of the most crucial phases of my life and nothing can stand in the way of me trying to work towards a grade good enough to leave Basu gobsmacked. Math has never been my forte even though I aced my IGCSE 10th grade with an A*. Yet, the IGCSE now seems like a small and insignificant hurdle in the light of the forthcoming exams. Yes,  I hate Math with a true vengeance, almost as much as I hate Basu. But I vow to forget that I hate it, no I cannot love it, I wouldn't ask for the impossible. But I can always forget that I hate it, just for 3 months. Seems like a small price to pay for a life full of hopes and aspirations devoid of all aforementioned gloominess. Psychology, I love. And yet, I cannot do well. Disappoints me sometimes. But 63 days is not too less to master what I've lost out on. Okay so maybe I might have to stress my STM and LTM to encode better (wow, I'm already doing it!) but it's okay. As long as I get into a good university/college, nothing seems too difficult.
Today I rediscovered my love for Ms Chinai. Yes, she has been mighty mean to me sometimes but I will not absolve myself of all guilt by holding her responsible for it. I have been a lax student and she has only tried to be a good teacher. When she offered that she would speak to the University where she works at to admit me based on conditional SAT and IB final psychology scores, I swear my heart leaped into my mouth and right into my hands. And if it weren't too gross, I would've offered it to her, because really, no other teacher (besides Mr Joshi of course) has ever cared so much. It's a mighty good feeling.
With a resolve to ace the IB in May 2010 (and shut Basu up forever), I depart now to resume doing my lab reports.
Good luck to me. :)

Mid-Exam Panic

It's 8 27 PM the day before my exam and I'm on the verge of losing my sanity, yes quite literally. The syllabus never seems to end and worst part is, the portion for all three psychology papers is different. To be honest, it's quite cruel to have exams and I really have a bad headache. Quite unhelpfully, I'm nearly under self-imposed house arrest and I've forgotten how it feels like to walk in the daylight.. or moonlight, as a matter of fact.


Psychology has really gotten to me. And I have 4 papers on Wednesday. I cannot emphasize how desperate I am for the 18th to arrive and to finally be liberated. I'm tired of highlighting and underlining and making colourful notes and colour-coding everything, because seriously, it doesn't get any duller than this.


I sound like some defeated, suicidal pessimist which, just by the way, I most definitely am not. I'm just tired of the IB and the amount of shit I have to go through for it.


But to sign off on a positive note, I simply cannot wait for Goa :D. The 13th of March cannot come soon enough!


Ciao :).