Shadows

The gentle breeze blows softly across her pale face and through her ebony hair. Her blood red lips are slightly parted, like she wants to say something... but the pain that runs like fury in her veins is too strong. Her heart won’t beat anymore, her heartbeat is lost, and can’t be found. You may wait and wait for the tears to fall but they won’t. She’s frozen. The pain she feels is beyond all the emotion in the world. She’s lost everything she ever owned, everything she ever wanted, everything she ever needed.

 The searing pain that shoots through my bloodied veins pales in comparison to the pain of hearing my heart shatter. The silence echoes my horrified shriek which is soon lost in the clutter of the voices in the house. The streetlamp throws a soft eerie glow on his handsome face and my hand aches to trace the beautiful contours of the face that are forever etched in my mind. Memories of us keep resurfacing in my vacant mind and my breath catches in my throat with each memory hitting me harder and stronger.
His blood slowly trickles down my hands as small droplets begin to form an indelible imprint on my white gown. The world around me is thrown into darkness as his smouldering blue eyes pierce mine with an eerie precision. His teeth shine under the intense scrutiny of the light and his skin glows like the snow he lies in. Even in death, his beauty mesmerizes me... I can see his soul, so pure, so clean, white, pale, beautiful.
The blood flows steadily from his wounded heart towards me, like a little rivulet amidst the white snow. I wish to move, to save the last vestiges of him from destruction, to save my beautiful white wedding dress which he bought for me, but I can’t. I don’t see a reason to move. I could stay here all night, my bare feet freezing in the bloodied snow, and yet, I don’t want to lose sight of him. His arms are wide open, beckoning me to go closer. And I move, I move towards the man who I love, unable to bear the separation for so long. The veil hangs precariously over my unsteady head. I sit down next to him, his body still warm from having breathed thirty minutes ago. I lay my head on his bloody chest and lose myself to the memories of him. I will lay in the snow till dawn, till I am once again united with him... this time, forever.

The sirens ring loudly, announcing their arrival. She is oblivious to the policeman rapidly shaking her body, trying to elucidate a response from her. She is oblivious to the nurse who tries to unclasp her hand from his to check her pulse. She is oblivious to her mother kneeling beside her and pleading her to let go. She refuses to let go of him, to lose contact with him again. She had almost succumbed to the claws of the biting cold, she could feel herself suspended somewhere between life and death. And this time, she didn’t want to let go, she was nearly there, with him. She knew she could make it, she wanted to.

It isn’t cold anymore. In fact, it’s unbearably warm. It’s like hell. I hear no more sirens, I hear no more voices, I can’t hear the cacophonous voices crying and screaming at the injustice of it. Maybe it is over indeed.
I struggle to open my eyes against the harsh glare of the light. Suddenly, it’s falling into place. It’s not over yet, I’m alive, in the hospital, here, without him. I open my mouth to call out to someone but there’s a horrendous tube emerging from my throat that disallows me from talking. My throat feels parched and my mind spins into a vortex. The machine beeps erratically and I close my eyes. I can’t look anymore, I can’t imagine a world without him and his lingering presence. My diamond ring is gone and so is my beautiful wedding dress. I am left with nothing that was ours. All of it is gone... except for the memories.

She looks beautiful when she is lost in her reveries. Her hazel eyes stare vacantly at the flowers that have engulfed the room. Her hands lay lifeless by her sides. And yet, there is an ephemeral beauty when a faint glimmer of a smile lights her face up... no doubt, at the thought of him. She has been here for almost 5 days but time is something that isn’t important to her anymore. She can spend days in one place, thinking of their past, and the future that could never be.

 I can feel my mother rest her hand on my cold forehead. I open my eyes, just a little to see tears escaping her eyes. The strongest person in my little world is crumbling and there is nothing left in me to stop her. I feel hollow inside, like a part of me was snatched away cruelly... the most integral part of me. My heart is beating, but it has no reason to beat. I keep breathing, but each breath augments the pain. My mind keeps racing back to the blood, the snow, his cold eyes, his chest throwing out copious amounts of blood, the blood, the blood, the blood.
The sight of his body convulsing with terror, his eyes bulging with pain and his lips trembling with fear haunt every waking moment. I wish to run away from those gruesome images of his death, of the happy memories I made with him... but they chase me like my shadow. My shadow. Yes, these memories will now be my only shadow, my sole companion, the closest I can be to him.
My head reverberates with his vows of love, of eternal togetherness and fidelity. Broken, just like my heart. The IV drips noiselessly by my side, a consistent and pervasive drip-drip-drip. An inexplicable rage grows inside me at an alarming rate. I’m overcome with an overwhelming desire to smash all that I behold in my vision. I struggle to get up, my feet feeling strangely numb despite the warm atmosphere. My hand gropes around fruitlessly for a support and I stumble around blindly as my vision slowly fades in and out. I lean onto a wall, and slide down... and down.

She’s unconscious once more. Her hair a veritable mess around her frail shoulders. The hospital gown hangs like a coat on her rapidly disappearing frame. The IV has been vilely pulled out of her vein and the blood flows through the small incision in her hand. Her face loses the slightest hint of colour and her heart slows down to an erratic and rapidly fading thump-thump-thump. The nurse walks into the room, a disinterested air surrounds her as she walks towards the tray to assimilate the drugs for the injection. She looks around... something seems to be amiss. This is when she notices the patient’s body slumped in the corner of the room, a pool of blood having soaked her clothes.

It’s been 30 dreadful days since I lost my reason to live. I walk around my home aimlessly, like a ghost. I frantically look for the last remnants of my beloved in every room, in every conceivable place and yet, it is a futile search. My mother did a fairly effective job of trying to clean my life up for me. All the photo frames are gone and are replaced with happy pictures of dogs and cats... inane things which will supposedly make the day seem brighter.
The clothes lay in heaps around me. I haven’t eaten in days. Suddenly, the idea of death seems futile. My cob-webbed mind suddenly unravels and I decide to get a grip on myself. He wouldn’t want me to be like this. He wouldn’t want me to wear his dirty grey flannel pyjamas and mope around the house. I will fulfil his last wish, the last words that escaped his beautiful lips before he succumbed to death. “Remain happy, no matter what. For me, just for me.”

The sun slowly highlights her now gaunt face yet indomitable as she steps out of her little house. Her beautiful diamond ring sparkles in the mesmerising sunlight. Her jaw is set with determination, she wishes to overcome the loss of her love. He was always hers, and she will always be his. But she wants to live, he made her promise she would. She will make it, she will make it till the very end... until she is united with him again... forever.

Sometimes, tomorrow never comes.

It's difficult to imagine what ran through 14 year old Ojas Mehta's mind as he looked head on into the jaws of death. The unpredictability of it all might have engulfed him at that very moment. Death has always been the only constant in this constantly changing race called life. Morbid as it may seem, death is our ultimate destination. It is difficult to foresee the future, to map every coming minute of your life. Sometimes, you curse the unpredictability of life. But a minute away from death, you'd wish that you had had a prior warning, a hint maybe to say a final goodbye to all your loved ones.
I wouldn't want to say so much and sound like an ignorant fool by saying that I can pretend to feel the tumult of tremendous emotions that flit through the mind of a person so close to his imminent doom, but I can only assume what it feels like to be on the brink of darkness, slowing slipping into an ever-lasting unconsciousness called death.
I see people crumble in front of me, wanting Ojas to come back, just once. "Just once" they say. It's hard to fathom the emotional turbulence that they undergo, but I have felt it too. Death is said to liberate the good souls from this hell called earth. But no one deserves to let go of someone so dear that their heart wants to bleed. Did this so-called entity called God ever bother asking Ojas if he wanted his soul to be liberated from the shackles of human pain? I'm sure not, Ojas would never have said yes.
A death so close suddenly puts everything into a new perspective. Suddenly, I make a concentrated effort to tell mom and dad goodbye before I leave for school. Suddenly, I don't allow my best friends forget that I love them, even for a minute. Suddenly, I want Amogh to know that I love him dearly and will never leave him. Suddenly, I want my favourite teacher to know how much he means to me. Suddenly, I want to make my parents proud of me and I sit and study Psychology for 4 hours because I have a test the next day. And yet, I know, it's a strong intuition built on routine, that I will slip back into the careless me again, soon enough. I don't want to, and subconsciously, I'm hating myself for lapsing into the old routine.
He was 14 years old. 3 years younger than me. I can only imagine the agony that his parents went through during his 6 hours spent in the ICU. I don't want that happening to my parents. I can only imagine what the sweet little girl who secretly likes him felt like when she heard that he would not be breathing again. I don't want to be that girl. I can only imagine how his best friend felt when they had just fought the day before. I don't want to be that best friend.
Incidents like these make me want to be a better human, and I can only try. And hope that my end is not as tragic.
Rest In Peace, Ojas.

26th November, 2009. A homage to the ones who died at the hands of hatred.

A year has gone since we were numbed with fear,
A year has gone since we cried tears of blood,
A year has gone since our hearts had stopped beating,
A year has gone since you spread your terror.

This year,
It's brought so many changes.
This year,
It has made resilient, our spirits.
This year,
We've known how to stand together.
This year,
We've learnt to conquer your hate.

You brought this city to complete standstill,
And yet, so soon, we were ready to fight,
You made us want to end your land,
And yet, we've never shed your blood.
You made us hate you, abhor and despise you,
And yet we rose above your violence.

We showed our strength to you, dear terrorist,
Mumbai rose as one strong voice,
Could you hear us loud and clear?
We didn't give in to your brutality.

Petty wars, bombs and bullets,
They could not pierce this pulsing heart,
A year has gone since you failed to break us,
You never had, you never could.

Today, we live our lives like nothing had happened,
But we have not forgotten the blood you shed.
We thank you profusely, dear terrorist,
Because our heart is still healing, yet beating so strong.

The Ones Who Matter ♥

Friends are something I make really easy. The ones who matter are the ones I take time to choose. Special people to make my life special. People without whom I wouldn't be half of what I am right now. And I'm mostly just happy :). I honestly don't think I could ever express how much they mean to me, but here goes a blog post to the ones that matter the most.

Adhishree♥:
We've known each other since a little over a year now. For some strange reason, I remember the exact date we met for the first time - 2nd November, Brinaldo's place. We hit off from the first minute and got along like a house on fire, no doubt. We are eerily similar in way too many ways, and yes, it creeps out people, annoys them, and makes them think we're putting it up sometimes :P. Not like it matters what they say :). Well she is the one person who knows practically everything about me, my first kiss..and well some other non-bloggable stuff. Just for confirmation's sake, my first kiss is not what everyone thinks they know of my first kiss. Yeah well, I'm also most comfortable with her cause she's not judgmental and she's most likely to bluntly tell me what she thinks..which I appreciate most of the times. It's like, she helps keep me grounded when I'm not. Which is practically all the time. And well, she's awesome. And the things I do with her, I'd do with no one else. I love her to death and would do anything to defend her. We've never really fought, except like twice. And after the fight we celebrated because it was our first fight in 10 months. Yes, we're strange, but that's how we roll :). And also, of course, I LOVE bitching to her about people, no matter who :D. She's a little crazy, quirky and obsessive-compulsive, headstrong and silly, but really, that's what I love about her..she doesn't allow herself to get affected by what every second person thinks of her, which I really appreciate but still can't get a hang of. We also seem to find the stupidest things funny when we're together :). She tends to allow herself to get carried away sometimes. But that's what I'm here for..letting her dream but keeping her grounded at the same time. She's the closest I've felt to any person which is really great because such a connection is hard to find :).

Amogh♥:
Well, I know this silly boy since I was 5 or 6 years old. He was a weird kid. And we used to hit each other in karate class, methinks. It's quite funny now that you think about it, because now, we love each other :). We also went for basketball coaching together. And he used to stare at my bum while we climbed up the wall, because it was apparently very cute and round. And I used to turn around and give him a dirty look. He's still obsessed with it though :P. We've only been dating each other for 2 months and 20 days but I've never been more sure of anyone or anything else in my life. He is another person who knows everything about me, my past included. And that's a gruesome thing to know. He's one of the most fun people to hang out with. Also is the world's MOST annoying person. But it's okay, I'm conditioning myself to live with it. Because that's what I have to do. Magically, we've never have any major disagreements which is scary in a good way because that's just abnormal for a couple right? We're also cool South Indians from the same hometown which is really cool because I'd never met a Palaghat person before :). I know, he looks really like, bichara-sorts in the picture but that's the expression I usually have when we're together because he's SO lame it's not even funny. But it's okay, because occasionally, I come up with a lamer joke and it makes everything seem worthwhile because I feel all excited about being lamer than him. Which is lame :P. But he's an amazing person, a little weird by normal people standards but then again, when have I ever judged people by the normal people standards? He tends to make my day without really trying to. And when he knows that I'm having a bad day, he makes an effort to make everything is alright, and that's just how I feel. Loving him has been the easiest thing for me, it's just so easy to fall in love with him. Impossible for me to fall out of it :).

Akriti♥:

I've known her since quite a while now through volleyball and all, but we became close over the last 3-4 months. Over stupid boys I think. Well it doesn't matter how stupid those stupid boys are because we left them, but just got closer and she's one of my best friends today. She's one of the cutest persons I've known. And even though she tries to look like the tough guy here, I know how much she gets affected by the littlest of things, by people who don't and frankly speaking shouldn't matter. I love how she gets excited for these tiny things and loves hugs as much as I do :). She's really pretty and I could go on talking to her about how boys are stupid. What's more, we both love volleyball and Mr. Bert. And the Pretty Lemons. I could have never loved volleyball more because if it weren't for volleyball, Akriti'd just be a random 11th grader who I knew of. Initially, I really disliked her because I guess I had a difference of opinion and it mainly stemmed from favouritism by some teachers, but all that doesn't make a difference anymore. Somehow those brief meetings in the break-time manage to help me lighten up and well, without her, school life wouldn't be half as fun, especially volleyball. I love her :).

Resurrection

Dying.

Can I breathe life into your withered soul?

Silence.

Can you hear the leaves breathe?

Serenity.

Can you hear my heart beat?

Calm.

Can you feel my hands on your icy skin?

Silent.

Are you comfortable now?

Rain.

Can you feel the silent drops cleanse your soul?

Dreams.

Are you dreaming already, of you and me?

Waves.

Can you feel the strength of the wall we’ve built?

Singing.

Eulogies sung in the name of our eternal love.

Hope.

Do you remember how it was to be unloved anymore?

Laughter.

You, me, little secrets, only for our hearts to know.

Memories.

Indelible, uncountable, yet each so precious.

Love.

Do you feel what I feel right now?

Living.

Withered no more, I can see your soul soar, free, happy, with me.

Back to blogging <3

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in Christ-knows-how-long. I've just been so caught up in everything. Everything here stands as a synonym for work, school work I mean. The past few days have been a crazy whirlwind of things, trying to balance my time between studies and friends (boyfriend included); during which, sleep has been completely ignored. I finally have eyes that look like I've carved them out from the face of a panda bear and stuck them on my face. Yeah, it's that bad, and I'm not even exaggerating.
But today was so much fun xD! Started with Adhishree and me having orange liquor mixed with vodka. Neat :P. And all that alcohol went to my head and I was sort of dizzy with Patil on her epic terrace! And then Ankit the great made his great entry late. Stupid chutfuck. But then we sat and played Truth and Dare on the terrace and did some unmentionable things :P. But amongst the mentionables, Ankit did an erotic dance for us and Adhishree licked my foot :P. I think I died laughing xD! God I love spanking Ankit and Adhishree, it's so fucking fun :D! [If you think that sounds weird then shut up :P]
God, I have to put the finishing touches to this fucked up shit, my extended essay. Due on Monday, along with a bunch of other things. I'm so screwed, but who the fuck cares? I had an awesome day ;D!
That's all for now, ciao <3

Vacations :)

So I'm at the start of my "vacations" and I'm trying to make the most of the first two days. After which, I will of course have to get down to studies. Completing my EE and IAs. And trying to understand Math of course -_-
I went for Wake Up Sid today. I think it's my first movie in a theatre after like.. 5 months. What the fuck! :O
It was fun though :). I went with Amogh and had fun :) :).
I don't feel like writing much. So that's all for now.
The ear piercings hurt by the way.
Catch you later, bye!

End of my birthday

So today has been so much better than I expected it to be :).
In fact it's been fucking awesome :).
I went for lunch with Amogh and then I went got my awesome-ass piercings :D!
And then I had the funnest, most crazy evening with Adhishree Patil and Ankit Desai! Oh my God, I haven't laughed as hard in a long long while xD! And shit, I was so high. :P
Yeah, it was awesome :).

Birthday? Meh

So today's the day that people usually create a big deal of.. a birthday. But more annoying is the fact that it's my birthday, so I'm expected to be excited, pissing in my pants with joy. And when I tell people not to blow it out of proportion and not to be so excited they just look at me like I'm mad or like I am the killjoy here. Seriously, I don't get what's wrong with not being excited about my birthday :S. It's not a written rule to be excited, and even if it is, it's not mandatory to follow every rule in the book.
The only benefit I got out of this entire birthday sham is that I get to bunk school and spend the first half of the day with Amogh and the second half with Adhishree. I'm also going to be a cool rebel and get my ear pierced without my parents' permission. To quote Adhishree "Epic! You rule! :)"
So this has significantly improved my mood. Not so much the piercing as the fact that I'm being a rebel.
Really, I can't wait to get out of this hell-hole called the IB and get back to leading a normal teenage life in college.
God I love my friends. At least some of them. The ones who care. The rest can just go fuck themselves.
That's all for now. I'll welcome you with pictures of cool ear piercings. Ciao :)

Inspire

I have nothing left to lose

So I let go, let go.

I have nothing left to gain

But I hold on, hold on.

I’m still hoping, still hoping,

For something better to come.

Time is running, pacing, chasing,

And yet I’m only waiting, only waiting.

Sweet lullabies cradle the dark night,

No sunlight unto the morn, unto the morn.

It’s new, it’s new,

And yet so old, so familiar.

Shadows play upon my window,

Dancing in the sweetened light of dawn.

I can hear you whisper, oh so gentle,

Come hither, come hither.

I can see the fear,

Even though I’m here, so near.

I’ll put you to sleep, just close your eyes,

Can you hear what I’ve tried to disguise?

There’s fear, there’s pain,

There’s love, there’s hope.

Trying to balance what’s left in my mind,

Spiral, spiral, downward.

But now it’s different.

Smile,

It’s beautiful, that smile.

Laugh,

I can hear the tinkling laugh.

Dream,

Paint your imagination with hues unknown.

Sing,

Your voice is the sweet lullaby again.

Hope,

Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.

Holding on,

Because I have everything to hold on to.

Holding on,

Because you’re all I have.

Holding on,

Because I can’t lose you.

A Memory Obscure

Chasing through the recesses of my mind for that one little memory... of us, of you and me, together. So hard to find, so hard to keep, so hard to believe, so hard to let go. You. Me. Perfection. Past. You. Me. Presently apart. No more music. No more love. No breath left. No more sanity. Quiet. Still.

Screaming. Shouting. Glass. Splintering. Shards. Piercing me. The pain is there. The pain is fading. The blood flows. It flows. It flows. The floor is a wine glass. Drink my blood. Quench your thirst. Satiate your desire. I’m your prey. You’re the predator. I’m your slave. You’re the master.

Slash your whip. My bare body surrenders. Not a whimper. Not a sound. My eyes are closing. Slipping away. Holding on. Tangible. Letting go. No more sounds. No more pain. No more gain. Just silence. Your breath. My breath. Fast. Faster. Pacing. Panting.

Crawling. Tumbling. Waiting. Light. Darkness. Everything. Nothing. Sense. No vision. Peace. Blood. Silver. Flash. Exposed. Raw. Wounded. Hurt. Gone.

Smile. Together. Again. Pause. Is this momentary? Questions. No answers. More questions. I want the answers. I’m the master. You’re the slave. I have the whip. Your body trembles. Quivers. Shakes. Power. Struggle. Controlling you. Quiet. Give me the answers. More quiet. Why? Why the silence? Answer me. You asked for a chance. Here’s one. A chance. You have five seconds. Four. Three. What? What is that you say? Louder. Oh. Lies. Lies. Lies. More bloody lies. I shake my head. You’ve always lied. Conniving bastard.

Forgetting you. All about you. Your insignificant stature. Your mortal features. Forgotten. Your face is a mystery. One that will remain unsolved. Like the blackness of your heart. Your fragmented soul. Shattered. Non-existent now.

Silence. Sweet. You’re gone. I’ve moved on. Hatred. Burning. Blistering. Let go. I’ve forgotten you. Not forgiven. Only forgotten.

Peace. Quiet. A life free of you. Your lies. Your deception.

Love. My heart is mended. You can’t even see the gaping hole you tore into it. It’s beating. Faster than before. You’re gone. Forever. You never knew to love. Now I know to love.

Blaa Blee Bloo Blapunkt

I feel like a ping pong ball today. I've even been making strange noises all day, and this is isn't really help restore my rapidly disintegrating sanity. Today feels like a blah-day and if you haven't had one of those, you're most certainly not human. I feel snappish and crabby and bitchy. And I'll possibly scream at someone if they annoy me instead of asking them not to.
The paper today.. 'twas good I must say. As is with all Business and Management papers, I felt like I had so much more left to write once I left LT 7. There's always so much left to write, but fortunately, I had covered a substantial number of points in my answers. Or so I hope. I think I'm flipping now. Merde!
The gum I'm eating now doesn't taste so nice anymore. I love Orbit Spearmint under normal circumstances but as I've already mentioned, today's my abnormal day so it tastes kind of yucky. And yes, I'm too lazy to go spit it out so I'll probably whine about it till I actually do.
Moreover, today is my special I-do-not-feel-like-talking-to-anyone day. So I'll probably just switch my phone off and sleep some more. Wake up, cram Psychology [unpleasant thought!!], eat crappy dinner, crash.. again. And wake up to a possibly more cheerful day. Until I realise that it's a Sunday and that I'll spend the whole day marooned in my house, being antisocial. Sigh.
I'm really hoping for one of those signature mood-swings wherein I'll actually swing back to the happy me. Meh. Whatever.
That's all for now. Sorry for the incredibly moody and crappy post.

No malaria :D

Yay, yay, yay! I don't have malaria :D!
Today, I had this icky blood test and a urine sample thingy too. They shoved this dirty syringe in my vein and drew out a shocking amount of blood into the dirty injection thing. And then the guy poured out the blood into this [cute] tiny test tube and shook it like it was milkshake or something :S. Strange guy :P.
But worst of all, I had to pee in a bottle. It was so gross. Really. I hate this crap.
I was forced to go out of the house in horrendously ugly cotton trousers and my pretty lemon top because I was too weak to change :S.
But I have low haemoglobin count which sucks ass. Because apparently I've become pale and all. Meh.
Today's paper was pretty good :). But it all depends on the examiner, I guess. So I'm sending telepathic signals to Mr. Nishanth and asking him for a good grade.
I have Business on Saturday. And I'm too lazy to study for it. But I'll study tomorrow. Promise. Pinky promise. God promise. All those silly promises :P.
I love Amogh. He's trop cool. I miss him :(.
And I miss Adhishree.
But my birthday's coming :D. And I'm going to go shopping!! Wheeeeeeeeeeee :D
That's all for now, much more later <3

Malaria? :O

So today were my first two exams, Math and French. Math was.. shitty. As usual. I don't even need to elaborate on that or tell you why it was shitty. Just the fact that it is Math automatically makes it shitty. And French..? Well French was great as usual, just might lose 3 marks though. Can't blame myself though, the print of the last text was so illegible :S, no one could read anything. And really, 5 minutes of extra time is no compensation for an entirely illegible text. My mum was extremely indignant about it, wanted to start a protest or something. Mothers, I tell you...
So now I have English unseen tomorrow which is probably why I have so much to waste at my disposal. I just printed out a few practice papers but I don't think I can actually get myself to solve them. I'm feeling really weak :S. I've been having recurring fever and shivering and chills. Apparently a sure sign of malaria. Which if it is, I'm fucking dead! I mean, right in the middle of my exams, if I'm going to be admitted to the hospital, what the fuck am I going to do about my exams? And if they postpone it, I'll probably be writing my exams during my birthday -_- So I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping it's something curable. I'm going to have a blood test tomorrow probably.. if the antibiotics course I am on atm doesn't lead to any changes.
This is insane. I hate being sick. Everything hurts :(. And to top it all, I got an injection. I hate injections :@! They're so painful :(! I sprained my foot while I was climbing down the stairs because my Math textbook is really heavy and I'm really weak. This seriously sucks.
I'm signing off now. And being compelled to sleep. Don't be surprised if my next entry is from the hospital -_-
Catch you later <3

Blog-timeee :)

It's 3 12 AM. And I'm wasting lots of time. Trying to avoid work.. Trying to avoid Math, more specifically. And really, you can't blame me! I think I've had enough and more of Math and I still have one more day of studying for Math. I really can't help but hate Math, all those variables and numbers and signs are just engineered to confuse me, I'm mighty sure of that :(!
I can't wait to get my ass out of this life-killer called the IB. I mean really, I would've been a real masochistic kid to have actually wanted to do the IB. But as Butta said in his letter to Mr Keegan, when we were not in the IB, it was such a flexible program. We had such a diverse range of seniors to look up to. Not every person wanted to do engineering or sciences. We had seniors who wanted to be happy in life, not these crazy clones, these pseudo-intellectuals who only want a 42-point average and 2400 SAT scores. Really, I find it so annoying when I ask the career counselling centre about the options available in India for Psychology and Mass Media students and they give me this vacant look that reads their mind.. And I read, "Why are you in this school if you want to do something unconventional and non-stereotypical? You're a lost case if you want to be anything but a doctor or an engineer." And then they shake their head all sympathetically which, frankly speaking, makes me want to punch their faces. I mean, really, how can your performance in a measly 6 subjects be a parameter for how successful you end up being? I don't think it can, not really, no. So the next time I'm looked at condescendingly for having broken stereotypes I'm really going ask them where all the engineers are today. Cause really, they're nowhere. The engineering market has saturated and yet, all the apparently smart people will fight tooth and nail and kill themselves over a simple degree. While I, on the other hand, will be enjoying my work some place in the Bahamas, writing novels, having a long vacation, being a PR head of department at some hugeass MNC.
So much for my little rant, I shall now stop.
Oh and by the way, no offence to all the engineers and aspiring-engineers. This is by no means an attack on your career option. This is an attack on all the people who are studying engineering only to receive the haloed engineering degree and be proclaimed as the world's smartest individuals. This is only my way of saying that people need to shift focus and look at a wider perspective, people need to realise that everything is not limited to one option. You always have a second option, the more risky one, and only the daring are willing to explore that option.
~

Exams, exams, EXAMS :O

So I'm pretty much hyperventilating at the moment. And you'd be wondering why I'm writing on my blog even though I have exams. If you're going to ask me why, fuck you. If you're not, continue reading :).
Forewarning: This post may make absolutely no sense whatsoever (as does every other post) :)
So yeah, I hate Math. No like really. I hate all this stupid differentiation.. And integrals. And maximum points and minimum points. You get the flow right? I've been doing Math all day and tbh, it's as productive as hitting my head against a wall cause really, I don't understand jack :S! I don't know what I'm going to do in my October exams. And yes, I KNOW, sitting here and typing away to glory isn't going to help much. So shut up.
Sorry if I may sound a wee bit violent and frustrated in the post. It really can't be helped. I'm going to fail in Math and it's all going to be a big boohooing and crying and squealing and shouting rage-war. And I'm going to lose, but of course. Because, I suck at Math. I suck ass at Math.
Okay enough about Math.
Today morning was funnn :). More fun than the extended essay which is supposed to be "funnn" :P. Yeah I know, that sentence wouldn't make much sense to anyone. But it did to me.. You know why? Cause I'm cool like that bitches ;D!
So I took this really funny picture of Jesika today. And she looks like she's going to murder somebody in labour. *teehee* she's going to kill me when she sees this ;D! But it's okay. Cause I'm a sadist bitch. And she knows I love her. :)
Okay I'm going now. I'm going to return to studying. My life's sad. :(
Cya.

Dandiya day :)

It's been Navratri, and it's dandiya time :)! Unfortunately, like every year in the past, I will miss all the dandiya celebrations et al. because I have these stupid stupid STUPID exams. But no, I'm not complaining.. I mean, I could've been writing my exams on my birthday, but fortunately I'm not ;D! But then again, unfortunately I'm getting my results during that time. Wow, what a way to celebrate my birthday. I hate these exams. They suck, like boo x(!

Today I took all these silly cute pictures in the bathroom, and but of course, I'm going to put the cutest one up here x). Haha, yes I know, we look retarded. But in case you didn't realise, that's precisely the point :). I love this entire bathroom picture taking business and then hurriedly trying to hide our phones as soon as we hear someone walk into the bathroom :P. And best was when all these stupid 8th graders came in and were sort of providing an unnecessarily background for our picture and Sasha goes [VERY loudly] "Yuck, I hate all these people who keep walking into our pictures! It's so annoying :@!" Hahahaha, those peoples' faces were worth watching xD!

I started using this awesome new lip gloss today. Idk what company and all, so don't bother asking. I just know that my cousin got it from the US :P. But I just love it! It's all minty and it smells nice and it tastes nice too! I know how weird that sounds, but people tend to unconsciously nibble on their lip-glossed lips, especially when it tastes so so so good :D!

Back to the dandiya which we had from 8 30 to 9 30 AM. It was pretty crappy :(! They played "My Dream Is To Fly".. I don't get how the fuck you're supposed to do dandiya or garba to that :S! And they were playing all this non-dandiya music in general. But watching Jashan dance is just so awesome that I think it made up for it all :P! And my pretty pretty Akriti looked like such a doll today :). I swear, she looks like one of those poster girls and yet she's so strong! My pretty baby, she is :) <3!

And I played volleyball and table tennis today xD! Even though I suck ass at table tennis.. I usually tend to not last for more than a minute :P. Especially cause Samir was smashing all the balls x(! Silly boy. But it was fun :)!

All in all, it's been a tiring day :S. Actually, almost everyday has been tiring recently. Sigh. But I'm still happy because life's too short to be sad :)!

That's all for now. Update ya'll soon :D!

P.S.: Biology SUCKS. I don't give a fucking fuck about transcription and translation and mRNA and DNA and tRNA. Fucking crap x(.

P.P.S.: Bye :P

Another day in the life of an IB-shackled 17-year old

Today's been so useless. I swear, I could freeze in one frame and graduate throughout the entire day without feeling the need to move out of that frame! And I'm listening to Before the Lobotomy again. Damn, it's an addictive song <3. So I've practically spent all my day flirting with my cute little Abhishek :P. He's such a cutie nah! And he's pink :). And he's cute. And I love him. And he's cute. [Yes, I can see you blushing just about NOW. Cutieeee xD]
For once, Math tuition wasn't so bad today :O! I almost died when the sir walked out of my house without having shouted at me even a teensy weensy bit! I swear, I was like, waiting for the barage of shouting, insulting, something, ANYTHING. And he left the house without having given me his oh-so-famous gyaan-baba lecture. I almost bruised myself cause I pinched myself SO hard to see if it was all real :P. Yes, I know, it's a very filmy thing to pinch yourself to see if it's all real. But I still do it.
Tomorrow's my baby's exam so I haven't spoken much to him all day. And I miss him beaucoup :(! I like keeping our picture as my phone wallpaper, it makes me tres happy to look at his stupid face :). He's such a cutie nah. [But the BEST cutie is Abhishek ;D] Yes, that was only to make you blush cause I KNOW you're reading this :).
I'm listening to Down. And I love the song. It's so dhinchak nah :). Yes, I use words like dhinchak. Bite me. Or then again, don't. I'd rather only a certain someone bite me ;).
I'm feeling all glittery now. Like, I feel like twirling around and throwing confetti everywhere. I'm the fairy of sprinkles. Yes, rebellion against the IB might take the form of retardedness :).
Okay enough crap for now. Signing off.
Cya <33

Crazy Day x)

Today's been an exhaustively crazy day [post 1 PM, that is :P]. It was super awesome to go for Advitya today after unbelievably long period of time, and hell yeah I missed them, like WHOA. It was heart-wrenchingly adorable when Kirti wouldn't let go of my waist even after we'd hugged for about 5 minutes. And when Anish tried to grab my attention by tickling my calves and toes [xD]. I want to go back there so so so soon. But I can't go back soon, all because of these STUPID exams :@! But I promise to go there whenever I can, cause really, those kind of feelings and that kind of love is unparallelable. Even if you compare it to all the love you get from your boyfriend and your best friends and your family. This is just unconditional love, pure and unadulterated :).
But the cherry on the icing was the bus journey back to school from Santacruz. I swear I haven't laughed as much in a loooong time. Teaching Abhishek and boy Gala how to pout was darned PRICELESS. If I could do that again, I totally would.. again and again, and again. Just watching their faces as they contorted their face trying to perfect the straight-faced pout, the left pout and the right pout was priceless, UNBEATABLE I say :). And then the entire let-us-poke-Abhishek-for-5-seconds-so-he-can-giggle-adorably routine was amazing, amazing^infinite xD. I cannot, totally CANNOT wait to go back to Advitya, especially for the bus ride ;)! This little 11th grade junior is so cute nah [now's your cue to blush,Abhishek :P] I want to poke him! He's my teddy xD <3.
Okay that's all for now. Classes were normal, but fuck 'em :D!
Catch you later <3

Love;Kisses;Hearts<33

It's crazy right..? How you can fall in love with someone in such an impossibly short period of time. But it's happening now, I keep falling harder and harder but this time, it doesn't even hurt. It's the most beautiful sensation, it's what keeps me sane sometimes. He's like the most amazing guy. A perfect blend of being protective and letting me have my space. Best thing, he can make the worst days seem like the best. And it's all these cute things he does and says which just make me feel so loved and wanted. He doesn't treat me as a lesser mortal and attributes me with intelligence enough to discuss topics which aren't romantically connected. That's the kind of guy I need, who knows how to strike a perfect balance between babying me and letting me be independent. Needless to say, I've found the most perfect guy. And he's as much in love with me as I am with him. I've never believed much in planning the future with any one person because I know how those relationships took a turn for the worse. But I know a promising future when I see one. And hell yes, I see a promising future. Amazing thing is, I just cannot be sad for too long since I started to date him. It's like he's cast this spell on me that disallows me from being miserable for too long, and no, I'm not complaining, for from it.
I don't need to touch you, to know that you're real,
I don't need to hold you, to know that you're mine,
I don't need to kiss you, to feel the fiery passion,
Just knowing that you're there for me will suffice me for an eternity.
I love you baby :).

P.S.: Yes, I know, I look not-so-nice in this picture. But I don't have any others :(. I promise to take more though :).

Sick :(

I hate being sick. Not like I'm supposed to love it, but it's so fucked up nonetheless :S. Especially since I got exams in like.. a week? It'd be safe to say that I'm fucked, no really. I don't know jack in Biology, I didn't think it was important enough to pay attention in class. I think I was wrong. So now, I don't know what the fuck do those Goddamn veins and arteries do. I'd whine more about what I don't know in Biology, problem is.. I don't even know what I don't know :(!
My throat feels like someone's rubbed sandpaper all over it. Everything tastes crappy which just sucks cause I'm craving for a schezwan chicken cheese frankie and donuts. Yes, at 1 19 AM. Food doesn't need a time. I sound like a guy atm :(, my voice is all.. weird. And I also sound like an old woman according to the boyfriend. Boo.
I don't want to study. I don't want to research experiential marketing. I don't want to study about what some guy called Mayo [yum <3] decided to contribute to motivational theories. I don't want to know about stupid integrals and conditional probability. I don't want to learn about about logs and exponential equations. Honestly, does it look like I give two hoots about any of this?
The guy who started Math should be extracted from his grave and be shot through his genitals till he dies x(.
I don't want to go to school. I want to stay at home, wrapped in blankets, with a mug of filter coffee and a plate of buttered toast. I want to meet my boyfriend, I miss him like WHOA :(.
And beat this, I can't even meet him on our one month anniversary :O :(!
This sucks. Aaargh. I could kill someone just about right now.
Resisting the urge to blow up my school and the IB headquarters in Cambridge.
More later on, I've got to get back to experiential marketing. So much for rebeling.
Cya.

Before The Lobotomy <3

This song has managed to encapsulate every possible emotion in it's magical words. The music is soulful and beautiful. The lyrics are shattering yet I can't stop myself from hearing the song over and over again. Purely addictive like a shot of heroine in my veins <3

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
Of another place in time
Where my family's from.

Singing
I can hear them singing.
When the rain had washed away
All these scattered dreams

Dying
Everyone's reminded
Hearts are washed in misery
Drenched in gasoline

Laughter
There is no more laughter
Songs of yesterday
Now live in the underground

Life before the lobotomy
Christian sang the eulogy
Sign my love a lost memory
From the end of the century

Well, it's enough to make you sick
To cast a stone and throw a brick
When the sky is falling down
It burned your dreams into the ground

Christian's lesson's what he's been sold
We are normal and self-controlled
Remember to learn to forget
Whiskey shots and cheap cigarettes

Well I'm not stoned
I'm just fucked up
I got so high I can't stand up
I'm not cursed 'cause I've been blessed
I'm not in love 'cause I'm a mess

Like refugees
We're lost like refugees
Like refugees
We're lost like refugees
The brutality of reality
Is the freedom that keeps me from

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
Of another place in time
Where my family's from.

Singing
I can hear them singing.
When the rain had washed away
All these scattered dreams

Dying
Everyone's reminded
Hearts are washed in misery
Drenched in gasoline

Laughter
There is no more laughter
Songs of yesterday
Now live in the underground

Green Day <3

Some singers and bands make it big momentarily, their songs are heard today, forgotten tomorrow. You could take, for example, Flo Rida. I agree wholly and completely that their music is fun, catchy.. makes you high. But 4 months down the line I'm sure I'm going to go, "Right Round? Whoa, he sand something like that?". These songs.. They're not the soul-capturing, legendary music that pounds through your head through different situations, they're not songs you can relate to under normal circumstances, you and me.
But Green Day, like The Beatles, is a band that is bound to live on for years after it might stop singing. Their songs speak extensively of how they think, the emotions they feel, the emotions WE feel. It's beautiful, their music. Agreed that some of their music sounds the same but the lyrics mean something, they're capable of making the listeners cry.
Green Day is born to die a legend and I shall forever be their fan. <3 you, Green Day.

Elation ;D

Today, it feels like I'm on cloud nine and so I am, but with a very good reason. I'm finally done with one of the most annoying and ridiculous aspects of the IB... My extended essay.

I'm sitting in the Learning Centre right now and there are all these lax people around me who are trying to rush in their EE and cram in how much ever they want to in a rapidly decreasing short span of time. It might seem sadistic but I get vicarious thrills out of seeing these people slogging right now and in my mind I'm doing this happy dance and wanting to say "Hah! In your face! You thought you'd get away with it? You wish.."

I mean c'mon, it's just not fair that I've not slept for a minute last night to complete my EE and some other people just expect to get away with it. I'd practically become antisocial for the past week. Hell, I even need new glasses. But if all this effort is culminating into something positive then I don't regret a minute of all that antisocialness and exhaustion.

All I crave is the warmth of my bed and blankets, the pillow under my head and no alarms for the next 12 hours.

Unfortunately, the IB programme is a whore. And so, when I go home, I have a lab report to complete and a biology worksheet and half a math worksheet, which may sound little but it's me.. and it's math. It's a task, one which I'd rather avoid but I can't.

I miss my boyfriend now, these assignments disallow me from talking to him too. But you know what? I don't give a fuck, I'm going to meet him today evening even if I am likely to collapse.

As for what I really really want right now besides sleep.. It's a bunch of those yummy Lindt Truffles [<3]>

I'm tired now and my hand hurts.

Btw, this new Orbit Spearmint is uber cool cause the taste just stays for so long :D.

Cya :)

Shitty day :S

So today's just been one of "those" days. Shitty like hell.
Idk why either.. I think it's just cause everything that has happened today hasn't really got me looking up to tomorrow. Every seems to be the same long drawn process..the same damn cycle. You just end up back at square one.
I miss my boyfriend right now. Immensely. I really wanted to talk to him about my day, he always seems to make everything seem better and happier and lighter. But now he's gone off to sleep. And all I wish is I was next to him, cuddled up next up to him, his arms around me..everything would seem infinitesimally better. But he's probably asleep by now, and I really hate to disturb him. It seems unfair that he should give up on his sleep cause I'm in a fucked up mood..which is why I'm not going to disturb him.
Even though he reassured me just about 20 minutes ago that everything will be okay, I can't help but ruminate about what he was telling me in the evening. And I really don't want him to get into shit cause of me :(! I mean, his mom is all possessive about him which is perfectly understandable because he's such a good son..he does all he can for her, and for his dad, and his grandparents. So it's perfectly understandable that they're scared that they'll lose him to me. But how do I convince them that I won't? I mean there's no parallel that can be drawn between familial ties and romantic liasons, can there? He said that his mum would eventually understand and that she was just possessive. But I really really want him to be happy and sure of what he's doing. Cause sometimes, when you're way deep into something, it's hard to choose. And life is always about choices. It's how you prioritise things that matters. And I'm pretty confident that he knows how to choose between the choices he might be given. But I just hope the choices we both have to make don't hurt the both of us.
I hate the IB just by the way. Unless you are a masochistic, emo freak, do NOT take the IB. I don't think I can handle all this pressure for another 9 months. I'm going to crumble like rubble under this pressure. I feel like crying. I feel like ripping my hair out. I feel like running away from all this. I can't handle trying to fit into the ideal that my parents have created for me. A 42-point averaging, extra-curricular obsessed, unsocial freak. I really can't become like that. The last time I wrote a good poem or any other piece of literature was eons ago! I was supposed to be the creative one..the one that weaved stories in her head, the one who wrote poems that elicited strong emotions from it's readers. I don't know where that version of me is gone, I seemed to have lost her. And I don't know where or how to find her. And I'm scared that if I lose that me, I'll be freaking devastated.
I thought a mid-life crisis occured at the age of 45. I'm fucking 16, turning 17 in a month. I'm suffering from one now. Being a teenager isn't as easy as it seems. Especially a teenager imprisoned by the IB and a set of overambitious parents.

Here's to the best Dad in the World <3

When I was a baby, barely born, I remember the touch of your hands against my skin,
Holding me, cooing at me, smiling and laughing,
Giving me raspberries on my stomach, that changed the bitterest of tears to the sweetest smile,I remember your experienced hands lifting me in the air and whirling me around,
I remember falling asleep in your arms every night,
It was magic daddy, the moments that we spent together.
Every mistake I made, you never reprimanded me,
Just held my hand and taught me to do the right thing always,
What I am today, it’s all thanks to you, daddy,
I have a million things to thank you for,
A million things that have moulded me.
Thank you for making me the voracious reader that I am,
Thank you for being my walking talking dictionary,
Thank you for making me smile when I was upset,
Thank you for teaching me badminton and playing with me every evening,
Thank you for making me realise how lucky I am to have you.
Thank you for having faith in me when I doubted myself,
Thank you for forgiving my mistakes no matter how grave,
Thank you for telling me that I’m special and that I deserve the best,
Thank you for giving me the best education that any parent could give,
Thank you for loving me the way you do.
When I say that I love you daddy, it doesn’t encompass my feelings,
For you I could do anything, sacrifice anything... everything even
And yet I’d always be indebted to you for sixteen years of pure unadulterated joy,
Thank you for having brought me into this world,
And shielding me from the pain it inflicted on me,
Thank you daddy, and I love you.

A World of Fantasy

I’m living in a world of fantasy
Of make believe tales,
Where fairies exist & hearts don’t break,
Where people don’t deceive
& tears don’t exist.

Don’t break my bubble yet,
Let me live this lie tonight,
Cause I’m not yet ready to open my eyes
To the bitter truth,
To a world of hate & lies.

My eyes don’t see what you do
Behind my back,
My heart only hears the sweet words
That you whisper in my ear,
Not the venom you spew when I’m not here.

I’m naive, innocent, impressionable,
Better than being deceptive,
Better than burning people’s passion
With the rage of bitter words,
Better than breaking hearts.

I only ask of you to leave me be in my world,
Where white is white & black is black,
Without the shades of grey,
Where I can look into your eyes,
& know that you mean what you say.

The Girl In The Mirror

Looking into your eyes, I realised what I am,
I realised what it is to breathe without fearing that I’ll be asphyxiated
I realised what it is to smile without fearing the world
I realised what I am, the real me, the one I used to be
I touched your face
And the hope that surged through me made me believe in myself
In yesterday, today and tomorrow
I’m not scared of the girl in the mirror
I know who she is, I can look through the facade she tries to put up
And tell her that she doesn’t need to pretend because she’s perfect the way she is.
That girl in the mirror might not be perfect, but she doesn’t wish to be
That girl in the mirror is irrational, but logic fails her,
That girl in the mirror believes in love, despite love having betrayed her,
That girl in the mirror has hope and no one can take that away from her.
She doesn’t care what the world thinks of her,
She doesn’t know if she’s right or wrong,
She doesn’t know what her future holds,
She can’t change her past
But she lives today, she loves today
She wants to make today perfect so that tomorrow, her yesterday will be a memory to cherish,
She’s scared sometimes,
And she wishes she has someone to hold her when she becomes weak,
But she doesn’t hope for anyone to save her, she’s only got herself.
She sees life the way she wants to,
She’s different and she knows it,
Being different scares her sometimes, but she’s learnt to love herself for who she is,
The world looks at her, they hate her, but they want to be like her
They want to love themselves, they want to live for today,
They want to be carefree, they want to believe in themselves,
But they can’t because they’re scared of themselves,
They’re scared of the person they might be, instead of the clones that they are.
She laughs at her own jokes, her mirth is contagious,
She wants to see her friends happy and she wants to be the reason for their smile,
She wants someone to see her, the way she sees herself,
She wants someone to love her unconditionally,
She wants someone to look at the world through her eyes,
She wants someone who can stand in her shoes and say he would’ve done the same thing,
She wants someone who will accept her for the person she is,
She won’t force you to be like that but will love you for being like that.
She’s fantasy and she’s reality,
She’s the sun and she’s the moon,
She’s dusk and she’s dawn,
She’s loved and she loves,
She’s yesterday and she’s tomorrow, but most importantly, she’s today.
That girl in the mirror has seen tears, of joy and despair,
That girl in the mirror has seen pain
And that girl in the mirror has seen all the wounds heal, some soon, some seemingly indelible,
That girl in the mirror has seen everything,
Every wound has made her stronger,
Every tear has made her believe in herself, has made her love herself,
Every betrayal has made her that someone that she wants.
That girl in the mirror has seen it all,
She’s healing and she’s stronger than before –
That girl in the mirror is me.

Hi, It's Me =D

As on 9th June, 2009 [12 26AM]

This is my third attempt at a blog & I'm determined to make it successful this time 'round =).

I, like my other friend Adhishree, have this annoying quirk of getting a sudden urge to pen down random thoughts, mostly likely at places where I'd have no writing instruments. Inspiration is momentary & if that inspiration is not frozen into a frame, it's going to flow away & then I'd have to wait for another surge of inspiration, a very erratic phenomena. Take for example now! I feel the need to write an introductory blog cuz I want to make this blog a success but since it's 12 20 AM, my mother-dearest will commence her constant nagging to switch off the laptop, resulting in an absolute waste of my creative flow & inspiration. Ah, here we go again. She commenced. Predictable much? Yes, I think. Woes of an aspiring writer? Yes, totally.

There's no direction to this post really, just one of my ramblings, but my ramblings provide a much deeper insight to what I really am than any of those structured, well-thought out posts.

As on 9th June, 2009 [01 59PM]
Okay, ignore the fact that I have been liberally using the phrase "creative flow" uptill now. Makes me sound really stuck up no? Sorry =P! I mean, my inspiration - there, that sounds much more like the aspiring writer that I am =P. Okay, so I'm freaking bored & it's freaking hot - I think I'm going to evaporate =(! Argh. I really should shut up now =P. So much for a good first impression. I think I'll leave you with a few basic facts about me -
Age - 16, going on 17
Birthdate - 8th October
Favourite colours - Purple, silver & black
Favourite cartoon - Spongebob <3 [he frikkin' rules \m/]
Things I like - Writing; Singing; Reading; Listening to music; Dancing; Learning languages; Behaving really crazy; Talking shit =); Making up words; Hanging out with my friends<3; Being stupid =P; The Rainnn <3; Snow =); Hearts; Stars; Love =); Friends <3 & of course, my Family =D
Things/people I dislike - Disloyalty; Hypocrisy; People making me wait [& yet I make exceptions for some idiots =P]; Liars; Good friends gone bad =(; The colour yellow; The heat =(; Relationships; Boys who talk dirty =O
& that's it for now, please keep checking out my blog cuz I'll update it with new poems & writings =)

Thanks,
Love,
Yours truly =).

x